Part 2 of Losses

After Grace died, I quit my job and became a full-time mommy to Jordan.  It felt good having no other obligations.  I knew that if I wanted to carry a baby full-term, I could not do it while working.  I spent the next few months questioning God and going to many doctor appointments.  After my 6-week check at my current doctor, I knew I needed to see a perinatologist, a doctor who specializes in high-risk pregnancies.  Dr. K tested me for lupus, antibody disorders, blood disorders.  It was a long list of tests.  Every one of them came back normal.

In August, we gave it another try.  I was pregnant, scared, excited.  We had a plan.  At 14 weeks, Dr. K put a cerclage in my cervix to prevent dilation.  It seemed to work.  At 17 weeks pregnant, I started regular contractions.  I was put on terbutaline from an infusion pump in my leg.  I was in and out of the hospital for 20 weeks.  There were days I would have 20 contractions an hour.  I monitored at home, weekly doctor visits, and home health visits.  Bed-rest was my friend.  I became a lazy mom.  I bought Kids Cuisines for dinner.  I allowed Jordan to watch Aladdin two times in a row.  I'm sure it was hard on her, too.   When I was 20 weeks, I was told my baby appeared to have Trisomy 18.  My doctor suggested that I read up on the condition and consider whether or not we wanted an abortion.  We told her not to mention it again.  At 37 weeks, the doc removed my cerclage.  Seth was born 12 hours later.

I was so excited  and relieved to have my family complete.  The next month, I went through a terrible time of fear, of losing my family.  Seeing my 2 daughters die put fear inside of me.  In 2 short years, I realized the frailty of life.  Only by clinging to my Savior, could I overcome.  Slowly I did.

Within a year, I started longing for another child.  We had made the decision to not have more children permanent.  You wouldn't believe the regret and the turmoil I had inside.  Seth arrived safely.  I knew I could do it again.  I researched IVF, and as I've shared before, Jack entered our family just over 4 years after Seth.  Because of my placenta's location, I could not have a cerclage with Jack.  But, as with Seth, I was on the pump and bed-rest.  Once I was taken off all meds, Jack was born at 35 weeks.  Now, I thought, my family was complete.  I had 3 children!  God has so blessed me!

We settled into a nice routine as a family of 5.  Life was good.

We decided to add to our family yet again.  In 2002, we found out we were pregnant.  Once this baby was born, all of our children would be around 4 years apart from each other.  What a nice spread!  For those not familiar with IVF, the process happens the same as natural conception.  The only difference for us, was the tango happened outside of my body.  Once the 2 dancers became one, they are gently placed back where they belong, in my womb.  After that, we hoped and prayed they would stay there.  Pregnancy in "older" women like me, is less likely, so, the doc recommended more than one be placed inside me.  We decided on 3 since the likelihood of all 3 staying was very slim.  With Jack, we placed 2, and only 1 stayed with me.  When I was about 6 weeks pregnant, I had my first ultrasound.  I thought my doc was behaving strangely when he did a quick scan of my womb.  He got a good pic of the baby.  He called him "Baby A".  I wasn't quite understanding him.  Then, he got another picture of "Baby B".  Then another picture of "Baby C".  I cried.  I was afraid.  I could barely carry one baby to term.  How in the world could I carry 3?