Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...

Family

Family
Welcome to my family blog. I have been married to Mike for over half of my life. I love my Savior, Jesus. I am a stay-at-home, homeschooling mom to six terrific, interesting children. My 3 oldest were born to me in my younger years, while my 3 youngest were given to me by God in my older years. I am very blessed. ~Cheri

3.18.2012

Conclusion of Losses

Trust me when I say I was a big bag of emotions for quite some time.  I wavered unsteadily between fear and trusting God completely.  I just had to take it one day at a time.  Jordan was thrilled beyond my imagination over having twin siblings.  Mike was excited and reassuring the whole time.

The next week, I had another ultrasound.  Baby A and Baby B had a heart beat each.  Baby C was developing, but no heartbeat yet.  The doctor said that it was still very possible for Baby C to "catch up".  I did a lot of praying.  My thoughts were "God allowed us to conceive with 3.  He surely will care of us the whole way."

Weeks slowly turned into months and my tummy was getting nice and round.  By the time I was 13 weeks pregnant, Baby C was no longer visible on the ultrasound screen.  It was difficult for me.  I struggled with the loss of that baby-to-be and the joy of the 2 growing inside me.  Quickly, we were faced with the realization that our lives would soon be changing.  Considering my history, I was in the horizontal position by 16 weeks most of the day on the couch, doing school, leaving the heavy housework to Jordan and Mike.
I had weekly visits to the doctor, and we discussed the high probability that I'd be spending a couple of months in the hospital as a precautionary measure.

I was contracting.  I knew I was.  It is a feeling that most mothers anticipate with excitement.  But, to a mother who has lost children, it made my stomach turn.  I was medicated, as expected, and waited.  Things seemed to go well.  I stressed my doctor out, I could tell.  As the babies grew, so did the weight on my cervix (which we believe was weakened by the D & C I had after my first miscarriage).  I did all I could to stay off my feet.  I remember my last night at home before my babies were born.  Seth asked when I was going to start getting a big belly.  Apparently, he hadn't noticed that I had gained about 20 pounds.  So, I pulled up my shirt for him to see how big I was.  He giggled like only an 8 year old boy as he rubbed my tummy.

The next morning, I awoke feeling the babies flipping around inside of me.  I didn't want to get up, it was such a pleasurable feeling.  But, I had an 8:00 am doctor appointment.  As soon as I got in the shower, that severe, breath-taking contraction came.  I knew that as I slept through the night, my cervix slowly dilated.  Once I stood up, gravity pulled my water bag through.  This was the beginning of the end of my pregnancy.

As I lay in the back of the van on the way to the hospital, I could not believe what was happening again.  I had just spoken the night before to a friend and told her how much I trusted God and had peace that all would be well.  And this is how it is going to end?  With more dead children?  "God!  Where are you?!"

Once at the hospital, I screamed at the doctor to stop this labor, do something, anything, prevent this from happening.  He said there was nothing to do.  I was in active labor, dilating, bulging waters.  I wanted to fire him on the spot.  Mike prayed.  I could not.  All I could do was cry and mourn as I lay there feeling my babies moving around.  They had no idea that their lives were ending that day, half way through my pregnancy.

It was another 12-hour labor.  I didn't want to feel it.  I wanted to be numb.  They obliged with an epidural.  My doctor asked me to allow him to break my water.  Was he crazy?  How could I speed up my children's death?  He had no idea what he was asking.  I wanted to fire him again.  Hours passed.  I started feeling the usual pressure that delivery was near.  It was time for my babies to be born.  But, I didn't see it that way.  To be born, meant life.  For my babies, to be born, meant death.

During all of this, Mike had to talk to Jordan on the phone and console her.  She was in such a terrible state and could not understand how God would allow this to happen.  She called friends, sobbing, looking for answers.  All I could tell her was that it would be okay.  It was not enough for her.

I was prepped and ready for delivery.  I half heartedly gave a push.  My doctor knew I wasn't trying.  How could I push them out?  As long as they were inside, they were alive and safe.  I didn't want them out.  My son, Benjamin Robert, was born at 7:05 pm, on Wednesday, September 11th.  He died in the birth canal.  The contractions were too much on him.  He took the beatings for his sister, Rachel Ann, born at 7:06 pm.  She was alive.  I held them.  Rachel held onto my pinky, squirming around in my arms.  Everything faded into the background.  I didn't pay attention to what the doctor or nurse was doing.  I just held my babies.  Once again, I held my daughter in my arms until she died.

Mike went home to get the children.  Together, we held our babies for quite some time.  I didn't want them to leave.  I wanted to hold them forever.  After some time, Mike took the boys home, and Jordan spent the night with me.  It was hard on both of us being there, but I believe it was good for Jordan to be able to hold her brother and sister.  The next morning, I asked to hold them again.  I knew this would be the last time I would see them this side of heaven.  I wanted to remember every detail about them.  The doctor let me go home that day.   Again, we went through the motions of planning a burial, explaining to family and friends, and grieving for our children.


By now, I was used to grief.  I knew what it felt like; a familiar friend.  Sleep didn't come easily.  I spent my nights crying and being filled with anger.  Anger towards myself, my doctor, and God.  I screamed at God a lot during that time.  I couldn't understand how any good could come from all of these losses.  I couldn't understand why He would allow me to conceive, yet not allow them to live.  A lot went on inside my heart and mind for months.

Gradually, I learned again to trust and love God.  I realized that I didn't need answers to why these horrible things happened to us.  I only needed to love and trust Him.  When I stand before my Savior, will I really want to know why?  No.  I would drive myself crazy if I felt like I needed an answer.  I've learned a lot through my trials.  I learned to trust God in any outcome, not just the outcome that I want.  These trials are what make me who I am.  My God is perfect, so all His ways are perfect.  I know that He loves me, and I am very special to Him.  Now that I'm on the other side, I cannot imagine not experiencing these difficult times.  I wish I had all my children with me, though.  Even in their deaths, they've each taught me many things.

Many of you may wonder how I could share such a personal story on my blog.  It has not been easy, but it has felt good to remember sweet moments.  While writing I've remembered details about one of my children that I had long since forgotten.  It is good to share.  I want people to know that my children's short lives had a purpose, and that I will never forget them no matter how many years pass.

16 kind words:

Wendy in OH

Oh sweet friend, sometimes its hard to fathom this is God's plan, but in the end, we know it to be true. And we know where it has brought you today, those three sweet daughters from China are such a gift from the Almighty. He is good.

Sarah

Thank you, again, for sharing your story. Our daughter (who was also born 1/2 way through my pregnancy) would have been 11 years old yesterday if she had made it to my due date. She also had a twin who died early in the pregnancy.

Love to you, friend.

Vicky

Cheri, I know this has been hard but what a treasure to hear about the rest of your children. The tee-tiny hand prints and foot prints...what a sweet treasure and keepsake.

Your love and faith through such a time is remarkable. I know it wasn't easy but in the end your faith stood in the face of these awful events.

I feel honored to have read your story of losses and I thank you for allowing me to see this side of you.

I pray that God will continue to comfort your mama heart as you reach each child's birthday and relive those moments of grief.

Blessings my friend!

Stephanie

I am amazed at what you've had to endure and find it inspiring at your strong faith on the other side.
I have no other words except to say I am so sorry for your losses.

Judi

Tears flowed as I read your story today. You are so right - each one had a purpose and a part in God's plan. And they are waiting, healthy and strong in Heaven, along with little ones from my family and countless others from many other families throughout the ages. Someday, we will all be together and what a day of rejoicing that will be! Until then your testimony of faith and trust is amazing and sure to be used by God!

Holly

I'm really grateful you've shared your story, Cheri. I've always wondered. I have a new appreciation for the person you've become. I have a new appreciation for the times you've made me laugh...recognizing with wonder that you've not allowed this to make you bitter.

But wait! This isn't the conclusion. You went on to add three more children to the family. You are going to finish the story (or do I need to say tell it up to now?), right? Honestly, I'm not trying to make light of this but in the telling of the lives of your children please share about adding the next three. After all, I didn't "know" you until Ivy. Did the losses you experienced affect your decision to adopt?

Naomi

You really ought to write a book! It would bless so many. Perhaps it could be a collection of other peoples testimonies too and how God helped them through it all. I know something like that would have helped me when we lost Jude.

love to you!!

Heidi

You are right we do have stunning similarities. We could be grieving "sisters". Such intense grief that we have both walked through. And what a wonder as to how God knits families together. Thanks for sharing your journey.

Eva

Cheri,

I had to stop several times to regain myself before continuing to read your story. Your emotions are raw. Your memory- vivid. I cannot imagine the depths of your pain, the conflict of emotions as you birthed your children to their deaths. It just crushes my heart. The trials you had to endure are many. And at the end of it all, you still stand. Stand firm in the knowledge that the Lord dearly loves you and that His ways are not our own. Oh, how easy it is to say but much harder to believe.

Hugs to you!

Anonymous

Thank you for sharing such a personal story. So sorry to hear of the losses of your precious children. Thank you for having faith and sharing that with us.

connie

Hi, Cheri! I just hopped on over to your blog from WAGI. I so appreciate your honesty, and I'm sorry for your pain. God is so very good to give us the hope to carry on, and I'm glad you have been able to trust Him. Blessings to you.

Jenna

I've cried through each of these posts. I can't imagine. But, our God is so sufficient even when we don't understand. What a testimony to walk through this all, and come out loving our Lord on the other side...I knew there was something I liked about you :)

Our Faith Walk

No words...

{Hugs}

Luana

withgratefulhearts

Cheri,
Thank you so much for sharing...I had wondered. I have such a new appreciation for who you are. I'm so thankful to know. You have had to walk through so much heartache. I am so sorry. I agree with Holly when she said, "I have a new appreciation for the times you've made me laugh." God somehow brings beauty from the ashes. You are beautiful my friend.
Cherie

Chantel

I stumbled on here following blogs, I am so sorry for all of your losses...I lost my first child, Curtis, when I was 40 weeks to a cord accident. I have been blessed with two children I hold in my arms....but those losses, they still pain the heart.

Mama Marchauna

Wow. Thank you for sharing your painful, yet victorious, journey. I admire your commitment to pursue motherhood in spite of the heartache and obstacles you faced. Wow.

Our journeys have been different (I have eight biological children with five miscarriages), but God has brought us to similar places; a confidence that He can be trusted.

You can read a little more about me at my blog, www.mamamarchauna.blogspot.com.

Thank you again for sharing your story. Your example is inspiring.

Post a Comment

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...

Total Pageviews

Blog Archive

  © Free Blogger Templates 'Photoblog II' by Ourblogtemplates.com 2008

Back to TOP