Pregnancy Loss

Some people have asked me privately and publicly about my pregnancy losses.  I've thought about this
post for some time, going back and forth whether or not to post it.  I will share from my heart my personal experiences and feelings.  This story started 2 decades ago, yet my memories are very strong and quite vivid.  I always knew that I would never forget our experiences of becoming parents.

Jordan was born 3 years after Mike and I married.  We were so young and immature.  I'm so glad God was so merciful!  We had no clue as to what we were doing, although we thought we had it all together back in the '90s.  I never really thought about having a big family before, but after having Jordan, I learned that I loved being a mom and being pregnant.  Shortly before Jordan turned 2 years old, I found out I was pregnant, but miscarried very early on.  My loss of the baby continued on for over a month when my doctor recommended a D & C.  What did I know?  Nothing.  He was the doctor, and he took care of things.  Little did I know at the time that this simple procedure would have a great impact on our family.

A couple of months later, we found out we were expecting again.  I was thrilled!  And, I was anxious just to get passed the 8 week mark.  That, I did with no problems.  Things seemed to go well until I was 23 weeks pregnant.  I was on my way to work when I had a very strong pain in my back.  I thought it was a horrible gas pain.  By the time I got to work and went to the bathroom, I figured out I was in labor.  I immediately headed to the doctor where an ambulance took me to the hospital.  I was dilated a few centimeters with bulging waters.  I was started on IV meds to stop labor.  Less than 12 hours later, we had another daughter, Ashton.  She was beautiful.  We had been told she would not survive.  As the doctor took care of me, I watched the nurses pump air into our daughter's lungs to no avail.  She lived just 2 hours.  After the nurses and doctors left, we held our daughter closely and said good-bye.

That night had to be one of the worst nights of my life.  Mike was home with Jordan.  Mentally, I was probably in no condition to be by myself.  I was hyperventilating and had a very difficult time understanding what had just happened.  What caused me to go into labor?  Was something wrong with me?  Would I ever have more children?  Where was God when all this was happening to me?

We had a private burial a few days later.  My milk had come in that morning and I was very uncomfortable.  I remember Mike selflessly washing my hair for me.

The next few months were very difficult, emotionally.  I couldn't understand how the world could just go on.  No one understood what I was experiencing.  It took all I had to head back to work and move on with my life.  Some peace filled me when I found out I was pregnant again.  I needed this to help me heal.  I knew another child would not take Ashton's place, but this pregnancy helped me move on.  Once I past the 23 week mark of Ashton's delivery, I felt relieved and excited.

Mike was in Texas, working for 2 weeks, when I had to go to the ER.  The doctors had no idea what was causing severe right-side abdominal pain.  I had ultrasounds and blood work done for 2 days before they decided it was appendicitis.   By that time, I was delirious from lack of sleep, no food, and severe pain.  Mike had just made it to the hospital when I had an epidural, which brought tremendous relief, then an appendectomy.  The following day, the nurses sat me up for a sponge bath (3 days in the hospital so far), but I still had the epidural in my back.  Despite the numbness, I recognized that horrible sensation of labor once I sat up.  I could not believe this was happening to me again.  I was 25 weeks pregnant.  Viability was 24 weeks.  Would my daughter live?  Grace was born rather quickly, and I cried when I heard the sweet sound of her crying.  Once I was taken care of, I was wheeled to NICU to see our daughter.

She was pink and was a fighter.  Lots of kicking and squirming around.  Her legs were bruised from being born breech, but she was alive and all of her vitals were great.  The doctors were very optimistic.  That night I slept so well.  Grace made it through the night without problems.  But, the next day everything that could go wrong did.  Breathing issues and head bleeds were discussed left and right.  There were main line procedures and head scans.  All the while, I felt helpless and numb.  We could see our daughter dying before our eyes.  Her pink skin had taken on a duller color.  By the time she was 24 hours old, she was exhausted.  She had fought so hard.  The doctors asked us to make a horrible choice.  Let her die. There had been so many prayers for Grace.  We believed and hoped for a miracle.  Grace died in our arms the next night.  We did not understand why or even how this could happen to us again.

I so desperately needed to know the whys of the last 2 years.  But, I would not get an answer from God for over a decade. (Part 2 will be posted shortly)