So, I looked a little confused and replied, "I have six kids you know." And she said, "Well, she birthed all of hers. There is a difference." Now, I am not a very good bluff. I'm sure she saw the surprised look on my face because she repeated herself, "There is a difference." I just looked at her and didn't really know what to say. Those words made me feel that I somehow had to prove myself as a mom. Was it a competition? Childbirth vs Adoption? Thoughts ran through my mind and I wondered if there really was a difference. I thought about my babes that I lost at birth, Ashton, Grace, Ben, and Rachel. I turned to A Friend and shared that little bitty fact with her. She replied, "I didn't know." How could she know? It is not something I go around telling people.
That short five-minute conversation keeps popping into my mind. It is amazing how a simple comment can affect someone and cause their thoughts to go in all different directions. Is a mom, who has never given birth, less of a mom to her two, five, six, or even ten adopted children? Do those children not count on the scale of "mommy-hood"? Is giving birth some sort of badge of honor and those who are not successful doomed to wear a scarlet letter their entire life? Is it the physical act of childbirth and the passing on of our genetic traits that makes someone a mom? Or is it the raising of a child that makes someone a mom?
"Mommy-hood"
16 kind words:
Amen sister, amen.
May I share this on Facebook, Cheri?
Shelley
Absolutely true! You've got it, right on!
Precious. And what a precious picture. You are such an inspiration to me. I cherish our friendship and thank God we found each other. What a priceless gift those kids are to us. The bios and the adopted alike. My husband adopted my son after we got married and is his father, daddy, papa etc. He may not have B's DNA but that boy goes to him before he comes to me most often. I am so thankful for that. God is good. Love you girl!
I completely agree with you. DNA doesn't matter. My dad died when I was three years old. My sister and I were raised by our mother and grandmother. My grandmother was so much more to me than a grandmother. Growing up I felt bad for all of my friends who didn't have the same relationship with their grandparents that I had with my grandmother. She was a second mother to me, no doubt and in some ways even more like a first mom instead of second. Well, when she died one of her nephews eulogized her and got it right when he said that, after my father died, my grandmother raised her second family. She did not treat us like grandkids. We were her kids.
TOTALLY agree with you! I have bio and adopted as well and they are ALL MINE - no difference at all!
WOW, this woman is clueless about what makes a mom! I can feel a blog post brewing in my heart on this one!
I remember the "Nine months" or two years or how ever long each child's journey was to be just as hard, gratifying, exciting, and emotion-filled as birthing children from my body. "Mommy", just like "family" has a very fluid definition. Right on!
After six years of infertility our first child was born by c-section. I'd listened to friends' stories of their deliveries and somehow my story didn't seem quite as "legitimate" as all those hours of labor, etc. My next two children were VBACs. I discovered that a vaginal birth is a totally over-rated experience. :P The two children after that were adopted. I learned that no matter how children join the family, I'm still their mom and they are still my kids.
You said it. I read once - and it stuck with me to this day - is it more important to be pregnant or to be a parent?
9 months of pregnancy or years of paperwork and preperation - no mater how you became a family the important thing is that you are a family and love, hope and dream together
Thanks for sharing this story
Ally
Agreed!
I think that a mother is a woman that loves her birthed or adopted child unconditionally. I also think the experience is different though. Not that one is better than the another, but different. You are a real mother. Some people are mean without even realising it.
*sigh* such a good post ~ really really touched my heart
Awesome heart felt post.I agree with you "It is that mom's entire life of self-sacrifice, prayer and devotion to her children that makes her a mom."
The things people say are amazing to me. AND usually I get the weird remarks in the grocery store. Just last week, an older man was really "taken' with my youngest Chinese princess and asked me If she was my daughter...then he asked her what my name was, which she replied, "Mom"...he looked at me and smiled, and told me how blessed I was that she actually called me Mom. I just smiled and nodded when I really wanted to say, "Hello? What else is she going to call me? I am her Mom!
(((Cheri))) I honestly don't understand this other person's comment to you. It shocks me that this comes from our wider circle of friends/acquaintances. Passing along DNA does not make someone a parent.
I don't give it much thought, but I would say that I see adoption as a picture of how God brings us into His family. It doesn't matter how we get there, but once we are, we're His. My heart aches for you that someone said this.
Kristine <3
Would you be interested in allowing us to share this on Sparrow Fund's blog? I think this would be an encouragement to other adoptive mamas! Just let me know! abby @sparrow-fund . org
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