I've struggled with whether or not to write this post. I've struggled with when to write this post because I've so many thoughts running through my mind. Lately, Mike and I have been dealing with a difficult situation that really started almost 2 years ago. It is a very personal matter that only a couple of people are aware of. But, the point of my post is to write down what I believe the Lord has shown me through these times. I am generally a very private person when it comes to my fears and concerns and my faith. But, I do believe that God spoke to me about certain matters of my heart.
You see, I've been doubting God can ever take care of the "situation" (as I'll call it). I've replayed various events over the last couple of years in my life. I've even thought about how the things I did decades ago could have resulted in our current situation. What if I did not do this? What if we never moved here? What if we never had children? What if we never adopted? What if we never married? All these questions and more ran through my mind on a daily basis. I was/am trying to find a cause for our current situation. I wanted to blame it on someone or something.
God so lovingly brought to my mind a lady. She's a lady many of us have heard about or even read about. We do not know much about this particular lady, but we all do know one thing about her...She...Looked... Back. The lady was specifically told in Genesis 19:17 "Do not look behind you...." But, in verse 26 it says, "But his (Lot's) wife, from behind him, looked back, and she became a pillar of salt."
Ouch! When I looked up the word "looked", it meant "look intently at; to regard with pleasure, favor or care". Was I doing that? Yes, I was regarding my life of years ago, before the situation, with pleasure! Oh, I wanted to be out of this situation. I wanted to go back to the carefree days. But, I was wrong, so wrong.
Then, God showed me a blog post from another adoptive mom and it convicted my heart. I'm quoting her last paragraph with permission since it applied to my heart also, but she put it so well! "I was given a beautiful reminder the other day when a visiting pastor spoke on Matthew 11:28-30. He first recounted to us how Jesus, as a carpenter, would have had the distinct job of fashioning farming implements, including yokes. He told us how each yoke would be fashioned to be a perfect fit for the oxen that it was designed for. If used properly this yoke would then make the work easier and the oxen would more effectively accomplish the task that was required of it. If the oxen chose to fight against the yoke, regardless of its perfect design, it would cause chafing and discomfort. What a beautiful picture of the perfect design of our own life experiences. If we would allow them to work in the way they are intended, rather than struggling against them, the Lord can work more effectively in and through us to accomplish his purposes for our lives. I needed this reminder last week as I struggled with guilt and condemnation at my own shortcomings. I needed to be reminded that the Lord is not surprised at any of the ugliness that remains deeply rooted in my own character, but rather that He has fashioned this current situation to help bring forth the fruit or Godly character that He desires to see there in its stead. How I pray that I would learn to fully cooperate with Him, allowing Him to change me into the wife, mother, and friend that He wants me to be."
Wow! Every time I read that quote, I seem to understand it more fully. So, I'm trying...very hard...with God's help...to not look back....and allow God...to use and work this situation out...to accomplish His purpose.